In a world that tells women to dim their desires after 40, Penny van der Sluys is turning the light all the way up.

A Somatic Sex Coach, pleasure activist, and unapologetic edge-pusher, Penny has made it her mission to help women in midlife strip off shame, rewrite the stories around aging, and reclaim the sensual power they’ve been taught to silence. Through her podcast TURNED ON and the Wonder Women Club, she creates spaces where pleasure isn’t a guilty secret—it’s liberation, fuel, and birthright.

For Penny, pleasure is not frivolous. It’s freedom. It’s connection, it’s joy, it’s the spark that reminds women of their voice, their power, and their right to feel fully alive. And in this conversation, she opens up about embodiment, intimacy, and why midlife might just be the sexiest chapter yet.

Turning Point in Desire:

In your 40s, what moment or experience made you realise that pleasure and sensuality are essential to your well-being, not just indulgences?

Penny: It began when I started noticing women who were radiant, magnetic, and unafraid to talk about sex and self-expression. They were deeply connected to their bodies and their sensuality, and something about their presence made me realise there was another way to live. That curiosity led me to the work of embodiment teachers and, most notably, Regena Thomashauer’s book Pussy: A Reclamation. Her words spoke to me in a way that rekindled my fire, which had been snuffed out by years of societal suppression and conditioning. I realised pleasure wasn’t indulgence, it was a missing link, alongside balancing our yin/yang feminine/masculine energies, to feeling fully alive, grounded, and unapologetically myself.

Pleasure and Midlife:

Society often frames midlife as a time of slowing down. How do you help women see it as a time to amplify pleasure, play, and passion instead?

Penny: Midlife is a rite of passage. A portal. An invitation. Just like puberty or early parenting, it’s a natural stage where our bodies, hormones, and even our brains shift. But unlike those earlier, socially acceptable transitions, most people haven’t been shown the value of turning inward, trusting their bodies, and honouring their desires. Our hormones and conditioning encourage us to seek external validation and please others during our reproductive years, and midlife is the moment we get to rewrite that script for ourselves.

How do I help people see this and amplify pleasure, play, and passion instead? First, I walk the talk. I prioritise pleasure and weave it into all I do in my own life. I share my experience of midlife as the best time of my life, because I live to the fullest – I follow daily practices, honour my body, and surround myself with incredible, heart-centred souls. I also create events, challenges, and experiences that give people the opportunity to explore pleasure, play, and passion in safe, fun, and edgy ways.

Second, through my podcast TURNED ON: Wild, Free & Sexy in Your Midlife, I have raw, authentic conversations with guests about unlocking the hidden power in our magnificent bodies and untapped sexual energy, so people can feel confident in themselves and live an unapologetically pleasure-filled life. And third, I use my voice and platforms to speak out against the old belief that midlife equals invisibility or decline. Instead, I’m helping to rewrite the script, showing that pleasure, play, and passion are the secret keys to confidence, aliveness, and power.

Everyday Sensuality:

Pleasure isn’t only about sexual moments. What small daily practices can women use to weave sensuality into everyday life?

Penny: The best sensual practices are the ones that build on what you’re already doing, and then you “upgrade” them by making them intentional and special for you.

For example, when you step out of the shower or bath, take time to tenderly rub moisturizer or natural oils into your skin, acknowledging and thanking each part of your body as you do. Upgrade the experience by choosing a product that feels luxurious, has a scent you adore, or has nourishing properties your body desires.

When you dress, choose fabrics that feel delicious on your skin or wear your favourite outfit on an ordinary day. Notice how different it feels to put yourself first in that way.

Movement is another beautiful entry point. Put on a song that lights you up and let your body lead, without worrying how it looks. You can do this while you brush your teeth, make breakfast, or get dressed. It doesn’t have to be complicated to feel good.

Food can be sensual too. Slow down and savour each bite. Add something that feels special – a handful of toasted seeds, fresh herbs, or seasonal fruit – and pay attention to the colours, textures, and flavours as you eat. Upgrade the experience by serving it with cutlery or crockery you’d normally reserve for special occasions, or pieces that remind you of pleasurable times.

And finally, before something as simple as making a phone call, pause, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths. That moment of presence reconnects you with your body and your inner guidance.

These small practices transform sensuality from being an occasional indulgence into the rhythm of your everyday life.

Relationship Dynamics:

How can women communicate their desires to their partners without fear of judgment or rejection?

Penny: The first step is to get honest with yourself and become comfortable with what your desires actually are. If there’s any shame, embarrassment, or doubt around them, take time to explore that first. When you feel grounded and confident in your desires, it’s much easier to share them without apology.

It’s also important to remember that your desires are yours. They don’t need to be identical to your partner’s for you to have a healthy, thriving relationship. Any judgment or rejection that arises is more about them and their conditioning than about you.

From that place of self-trust, consider how you can present your desires in a way that invites curiosity and connection. Choose a moment when you’re both present and relaxed – not distracted, rushed, or under the influence. If it’s a sexual desire, share it outside the bedroom, framing it as something you’d love to explore and an invitation for them to join you, rather than a demand or potential judgment.

If your partner hesitates or resists, get curious instead of shutting down. Ask gentle questions and listen for what’s underneath. Sometimes it’s fear, a lack of understanding, or simply not knowing how to respond. When you approach it with openness, you’re not only sharing your desire but also learning about each other. That’s how deeper intimacy grows: when both partners feel seen, heard, respected – and ultimately turned on by each other’s truth.

Healing Through Pleasure:

Can pleasure itself be a tool for emotional healing, and if so, how do you guide clients to use it safely and intentionally?

Penny: Pleasure is one of the most powerful paths back to our bodies. Under stress, trauma, or grief, our nervous system often shuts down to protect us. We can carry that as tension, numbness, or disconnection, and for many, it shows up in the very places that are most sensitive and responsive to pleasure.

When I work with clients, I encourage them to trust the messages of their body and to move at their own pace. Everything is an invitation, never an obligation. Pain is not something to push through, it’s a signal to be listened to. If someone is aware of sexual trauma, or if something surfaces during our work, I am clear that as a trauma-informed, certified Somatic Sex Coach, not a therapist, I don’t work with them unless they are already supported by a trained practitioner, or have already completed the healing work they need in that area. In those cases, I always recommend seeking support from a therapist or practitioner trained to guide them safely through that healing process.

Part of how I guide and empower people is by sharing knowledge about their bodies, sex, and pleasure, information most of us were never taught at school, modelled by our parents, or shown honestly in media and culture. That knowledge alone can feel liberating, and it helps people reconnect with what has always been theirs.

Everyone has a right to pleasure. Healing through pleasure isn’t about chasing orgasm or performing. It’s about curiosity, gentleness, and choosing what feels nourishing. I invite people to explore what works for their body, honour their boundaries, and let pleasure be a compass that gradually restores trust, aliveness, and freedom.

Fantasies and Freedom:

How important is it for women to explore sexual fantasies, and what’s a safe way to bring them into real life?

Penny: Sexual fantasies are incredibly valuable because they’re like little codes into our inner world. As Esther Perel shares, they can reveal our deepest emotional needs, hopes, fears, and desires. This reframe allows us to see that fantasies give us a secret language about what’s happening inside us and in our relationships. They let us step outside the limits of everyday reality and play in the realms of pleasure, freedom, and imagination. And importantly, fantasies are distinct from reality – they don’t necessarily reflect what we want to experience in real life.

Because of that, I believe it’s important to explore and understand your own fantasies before deciding whether to bring them into reality. Journaling about them, talking them through with a trusted confidant, or simply noticing how they make you feel during self-pleasure are all safe ways to get curious.

If you do want to explore them in real life, start with research. Learn about what it is you’re drawn to, and seek out people and communities who are safely and positively exploring sex-positive activities. For example, Roanna White, a recent guest on my podcast, generously pulled back the curtain on the world of sex and swinger parties – one way of bringing certain fantasies to life if you feel called.

The key is consent, safety, and curiosity. Whether a fantasy stays in your imagination or becomes an embodied experience, it’s about giving yourself permission to explore your erotic landscape without shame.

Partnered Play:

How can couples explore kink, roleplay, or power dynamics safely to deepen intimacy and pleasure?

Penny: With liberal amounts of communication, consent, and curiosity. Start with a conversation outside the bedroom – share what excites you, what’s off-limits, and what you’re curious about. Begin with the things you both genuinely want to explore.

Create safety by agreeing on signals, words, check-ins, and aftercare, so you both know you’ll be held and supported no matter what comes up. From there, progress with pleasure in mind, not expectation or performance.

The focus isn’t on “doing it right,” it’s on what turns you both on and invites you to deepen your connection. When approached this way, kink, roleplay, and power dynamics become less about props or positions and more about building trust, intimacy, and freedom together.

Rewriting Narratives:

What advice would you give to someone who has long felt “too old” or “past their prime” for exploring sexuality and pleasure?

Penny: Please know those feelings are not truly yours. They’re outdated scripts, handed down by a culture terrified of people who know their power. There is no age limit on pleasure. Desire doesn’t expire. In fact, midlife and beyond can be your sexiest chapter.

This is your time to reclaim sexuality and pleasure on your own terms. It’s your chance to finally meet yourself. My advice? Start now. Take small steps, follow your curiosity, and let your body lead the way. It is never too late to feel alive again.

Advice for Beginners

For someone just beginning their journey of pleasure exploration, what would you say are the first steps to feeling free, empowered, and unapologetically alive?

Penny: First, know that you are worthy. It is your birthright to experience pleasure. Begin with curiosity: ask yourself, what feels good right now? Often the clues are in the things you loved as a child – the dreams and desires you may have set aside.

Give yourself permission to put yourself first. When you fill your cup, you have more energy and presence to give to others, especially your loved ones. Create boundaries that protect your energy and let go of the “shoulds” and the people or situations that dim your power.

Start a regular self-pleasure practice. Get to know your body without pressure to perform or please anyone else. Explore what enhances your pleasure – whether it’s wearing lingerie, lighting incense or candles, listening to a sensual playlist, or simply lying down and touching yourself with curiosity and care.

And finally, find community. Being in spaces where other people are exploring too dissolves shame and reminds you that you’re not alone. Pleasure is available in so many forms. You just need to begin, and from there, everything opens.

Editor’s Note

Penny van der Sluys invites us to view midlife not as an ending, but as a doorway to greater freedom, desire, and unapologetic vitality. Her journey is a fearless reclamation of pleasure—challenging the myth of invisibility after forty and showing that sensuality deepens with age. Through embodiment, play, and radical self-trust, Penny demonstrates that pleasure is not mere indulgence but a guide to healing, empowerment, and joy.

For anyone who has ever doubted their worth, muted their desires, or wondered if it’s too late to start anew, Penny’s story is a powerful reminder: the body holds wisdom, and embracing pleasure is an act of liberation.

“Desire doesn’t expire. In fact, midlife and beyond can be your sexiest chapter.”