Sam is a Sex & Relationship Coach, queer, cisgender, and polyamorous, guiding individuals and couples to embrace their desires, celebrate pleasure, and connect authentically. With curiosity, courage, and compassion, He helps people untangle shame-driven conditioning and discover the joy of living fully in their erotic selves.
We spoke with Sam about his journey from stepping into sexual freedom in their 20s to empowering others to break societal scripts, embrace the limitless possibilities of erotic energy, and reclaim the pleasure that is their birthright.
SexCoachSam’s Website
Awakening Through Eros
You’ve spoken about how “Eros will change your life.” Can you share a moment in your own journey when you first realized the transformative power of erotic energy?
Sam: Throughout my 20s, I had longed for sexual exploration. Play parties, BDSM, group sex, and so much more were on my mind. Finally, after exiting a monogamous relationship and taking my own desires seriously, I went for it. I began to explore everything I had held myself back from for so long. It changed my life. My confidence and trust in myself skyrocketed. For the first time, I felt worthy of my desires, of attention, and of love. It was when I learned the lesson that if we can stop looking inward with shame and criticism, we can look outward with possibility.
This was a critical moment in my personal journey, and the reason why I became a Sex & Relationship Coach.
Breaking Free of Scripts:
Society teaches us so many harmful narratives about sex and desire. Which “script” was hardest for you to unlearn, and what guidance would you offer readers who are still untangling themselves from shame-driven conditioning?
Sam: One of the most challenging scripts for me to unlearn is the dominant cultural narrative that monogamy is the only way to have a deep connection. This can be said overtly, but often it will become apparent in more subtle statements or comments. For example, when I tell folks I am polyamorous, I will often receive a comment back like, “I could never do that, I’m more interested in long-term commitment.” A lot of folks assume multiple partners means you’re not in serious commitments with any of them.
My guidance for folks who struggle with this would be to anchor in the joy and pleasure of being who you are. This won’t silence others, but it gives us something real to return to. When we are in touch with the pleasure of being ourselves, we know how much joy it can actually bring us. And, for folks that continue to struggle with this – seek support. I’ve had a lot of support in my life – therapy, men’s group, and sex coaching helped me untangle these scripts. You shouldn’t have to do it alone!
Own Your Desire
“My desires are hot.” Why is reframing desire as something to celebrate rather than suppress such a powerful act of self-love?
Sam: We do not choose our desires- they choose us. They arise from layers of environmental and developmental factors that are entirely outside of our control. So, we’re going to have them whether we like them or not. We will only benefit by accepting and celebrating. I know it can be challenging. This has been a major challenge for me in my life. And, life is so much more rewarding and fulfilling once we can accept these parts of ourselves. The more we embrace our desires, the more chances we have at making them happen. Desire accepted becomes fuel; desire denied becomes friction.
Living Your Lust Out Loud
You identify as cisgender, queer, and polyamorous. How do those lived experiences shape the way you connect with clients and the advice you offer?
Sam: I have experienced privilege, and I’ve also gotten to experience what it’s like to be outside of the dominant cultural narratives. Being queer and polyamorous means I’ve had to swim against the cultural current, being judged for loving differently. This has given me a window into other experiences when people aren’t accepted for who they are, when people are criticised or ostracised for being themselves. Although I do my best to empathize, I will never truly understand exactly what it is like to walk in my clients’ shoes. With that, all I can do is help folks make the right decisions for themselves.
I don’t tell clients what to do, or what they “should do.” I help them see clearly, test their own assumptions, and choose what feels aligned for them.
Letting Go of the Pressure
How can men break free from the pressure to “always perform” and instead enjoy intimacy more fully?
Sam: The first step here is acknowledging it within ourselves. If we have pressure to always perform, where does this come from? Is this messaging we’ve received from our partners, from watching porn, from our friends? Knowing where the pressure comes from can help us let it go. Next, we want to reframe sex. Since sex is for pleasure, we need to orient in ways that yield more pleasure. In giving, I can derive a lot of pleasure from seeing my partner have a good time. I can give multiple orgasms using my fingers and my mouth. In receiving, I can derive a lot of pleasure from someone using their mouth on me, whether my cock is soft or hard, touching my body in certain ways, etc. We can use toys to fuck each other, we can use our imaginations to delve into erotic spaces. There are so many ways to enjoy sex without having to perform.
Getting curious and exploring these other ways can support us in having an empowered and pleasurable sex life.
Secret Power Behind Unstoppable Desire
If you had to pick one “erotic superpower” that everyone should cultivate, what would it be and why?”
Sam: If I could snap my fingers and give everyone in the world one erotic superpower, it would be seeing limitless possibilities. We all have so many limiting beliefs that live in our systems. Beliefs about whether we are worthy or loved, whether we are enough, seeing so many things that are wrong with us, seeing which desires are valid and which are not, etc. If we could all see ourselves and our sexuality as enough, worthy, valid, desirable, and that our fantasies are valid and hot, the world would be a totally different place!
When Fantasy Meets Reality
Do you believe that some fantasies are actually dangerous to act on, or do you think all fantasies are valid as long as they’re consensual?
Sam: All fantasies are valid, full stop. Fantasies live in our minds, and our imagination doesn’t cause harm. Now, if we’re talking about acting on fantasies, there’s more to talk about. First, let’s break down a misconception around danger in sex. We have a story that sex should be 100% safe. Many fun and perfectly valid activities take risks, think of skiing, skateboarding, running, etc, athletes sustain injuries from their pursuits all the time. When this happens, no one ever questions it. However, somehow, when it comes to sex, risk becomes something we think doesn’t apply.
If you want to have sex that leaves you with bruises, marks, scars, etc, that is your choice, and that is perfectly valid! Here’s where the consent comes in as long as all the people engaged are old enough (both in maturity and in the legal sense), know what they’re getting into, are aware of the risks, and acknowledge those risks, we should be free to play in whatever manner we want.
In some cases, burying our fantasies without finding ways to act on them consensually can be more harmful. We can internalize shame and walk around the world thinking something is wrong with us. Shame grows in the darkness. And shame can cause us to act out in nonconsensual ways; that is the dangerous piece.
What I Wish Everyone Knew
If you could leave readers with one truth about desire, pleasure, or intimacy that you wish everyone knew, what would it be?
Sam: We are all animals. In modern society, with our smartphones and cars and office jobs, it can be so easy to lose track of this and think we are separate from nature. Remembering that we are animals can give us so much permission to lean into our sexuality, our uniqueness, the ways we relate, what makes us feel safe, and what makes us feel alive. Animals do not shame each other or themselves for their desires; they just have them.
Editor Note
Sam journey reminds us that desire is not something to hide or control; it’s a vital part of who we are. By exploring our erotic energy without shame, we open the door to confidence, joy, and authentic connection. Whether it’s questioning societal scripts, celebrating fantasies, or letting go of performance pressure, the key is to honor your desires and embrace the pleasure that comes naturally with them.
As Sam puts it, desire is not a choice; it is a gift. Accepting it, celebrating it, and exploring it safely allows us to live more fully, authentically, and erotically. We are all animals with the right to our passions, pleasures, and fantasies. When we embrace this truth, intimacy becomes not just an act but a practice of self-love, curiosity, and empowerment.
