For sexologist and intimacy educator Aleksandra Trkulja, authenticity is about more than accepting who we are; it is about challenging the expectations that make us uncomfortable in our own skin. After eight years of working with individuals and couples across different sexual and gender identities, Aleks has seen how easily pleasure becomes tangled with shame, performance, and the pressure to meet someone else’s expectations.

Their philosophy is rooted in the belief that pleasure should never feel like an obligation. Aleks challenges familiar assumptions about how sex should look, how desire should function, and why people often prioritise their partner’s needs over their own. Instead, they encourage curiosity, honest communication, and a deeper connection with the body.

Their work also opens up wider conversations about consent, sexual compatibility, and the importance of creating relationships where people feel safe expressing what they genuinely want.

In this conversation, Aleksandra Trkulja explores the sexual myths we need to unlearn, the pressure surrounding modern sexual wellness, and why talking openly about intimacy matters. Above all, they invite us to imagine a world where pleasure is no longer something to feel ashamed of.

The Freedom to Desire

Aleks, you see embracing your authentic self as an “act of rebellion.” What does that look like in everyday life, particularly when it comes to sexuality, relationships, and feeling at home in your own body?

Aleks: Embracing an authentic self in everyday life is the simplest form of rebellion. Practically, what that looks like is prioritising pleasure and nervous system care. I’m pausing to enjoy the smell of coffee, to linger a little longer in a hug, or to notice the sun on my skin.

A question Betty Martin once haunted me with was ‘what would make this better? ’, and so I ask myself that in almost every moment, of every situation, I can be slow enough to consider it.

Sexual Myths We Still Carry 

After eight years of working with individuals and couples across different sexual and gender identities, what are some of the biggest misconceptions you see people carrying into their intimate relationships?

Aleks: The biggest myths I noted people carry into their intimate relationships include things like

• My pleasure isn’t a priority.
• I ‘should’ look/smell/sound/taste/orgasm/function a certain way that I’m not.
• Masturbation is bad/awkward/embarrassing/not necessary.
• I should have sex because my partner needs it.

Putting Too Much Pressure on Pleasure?

There is growing pressure to perform a certain version of a “healthy” sex life, whether that means having more sex, being more adventurous, or constantly exploring your desires. Can the pursuit of sexual wellness itself become another source of pressure? 

Aleks: Absolutely! The capitalist mentality of constantly producing new outcomes from your sex life is inherently stressful, and stress is the number one barrier to sexual desire.

A ‘healthy’ sex life is subjective. What works for one person or relationship will not work for the next. The same way we all have dietary requirements that differ, and we don’t really question why our eating habits vary. We just accept that variability is the norm. And so, in my opinion, sex lives deserve the same accepting attitude.

You Love Them. You Want Them Less. 

Can you have a great relationship with someone and simply be sexually incompatible? And if so, should that always be a deal-breaker?

Aleks: It really depends on what ‘sexually incompatible’ looks like. If we’re talking about people who find sex awkward together, then no, I don’t think that needs to be a deal-breaker because sexual communication skills are just that—skills. So there’s room to improve if you’re willing to try.

If sexual incompatibility looked like different preferences on sexual acts/relationship frameworks (BDSM, kink, sexual orientation, non-monogamy, etc.), then yes, perhaps there is an incompatibility that causes more distress than it’s worth. I wouldn’t call any of these a ‘deal breaker,’ because deal breakers are subjective. Many people also use resources like Sex Therapy to learn, willingly explore, and negotiate.

Couples Need to Talk About Sex 

In your work with couples, what tends to happen when people stop talking openly about sex? Are there particular conversations you believe every long-term couple should be willing to have? 

Aleks: If you aren’t talking about sex, your sex life will suffer.

Much like if you aren’t talking about your relationship, it too would suffer.

Talking about sex is a fundamental component of a healthy relationship. And when people stop, it makes sex a tense, awkward, anxiety-provoking space that ends in a lot of avoidance.

Conversations I think every couple should have:

• At the beginning (but you can keep discussing forever really): when were you last tested? Is there anything I need to know about your sexual health status? What safer sex practices do we want to use?
• Sex culture: what makes it easier for us to talk about sex? The initiation style, time, place, and tone. How do we give feedback respectfully? How comfortable are you hearing “no”? If not at all, why? And how do we navigate consent safely?
• How do we think our sex life might change over the course of our relationship, and what will our strategy for connection be when it does? Because it will, with mental health, stress, pregnancy, children, grief, relocations, long-distance, infidelity, etc.

Sex Beliefs We Need to Unlearn

If you could challenge one deeply ingrained belief about sex, relationships, or our bodies that you wish more people would let go of, what would it be, and what would you replace it with?

Aleks: That sex, bodies, and pleasure are inherently shameful. If we could collectively liberate ourselves from these deeply conditioned beliefs, I think not only would we be much happier and sexually satisfied, but the world would be a much safer place.

So much harm is inflicted upon ourselves and others when we view sex, bodies, and relationships through the shameful lens many societies condition us to look through.

Instead, I would want people to move freely in their bodies and feel connected to their pleasure in all its forms. In this magical world, people would care so much less about gender, sexuality, and body image. And I’d be out of a job

Editor Note

Somewhere along the way, we have learned to question our desires, negotiate our boundaries, and worry about whether we are doing intimacy right. But why should something so personal come with so many expectations? I particularly love the idea that pleasure doesn’t need to be measured, perfected, or constantly explored to be meaningful. 

Sometimes, it is simply about listening to yourself, feeling comfortable in your own skin, and allowing yourself to want what you want. Perhaps that’s where real sexual freedom begins: with giving ourselves permission to stop performing and start feeling.

“Pleasure doesn’t need to be perfected, performed, or justified; it simply needs to be felt without shame.”